Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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