At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
