Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
