I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Mom said you looked used
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
