oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
