I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You took a bar mat shot.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
