See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
