Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
