Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize