dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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