Your face is a jimmy john
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
