this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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