If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize