No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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