So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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