Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
