i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
