Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
