Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
