ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
