I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Randomize
