my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
