I will die if light touches me.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
