I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
