We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
50% drunk capacity currently
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
