apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
