I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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