Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
