whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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