I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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