Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we made out on top of his cat.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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