Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
