i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
