The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
