We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize