got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I love you. Go after that dick
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
