Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
did i walk over a car last night?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
