So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
