Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think i got beer on your cat.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
