I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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