alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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