I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
