I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
