We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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