Sorry, I don't speak sober.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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