she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
accomplished twins. life is a go
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
