I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
