totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You made out with two different species that night
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
