If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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