i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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