dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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