Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
