Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
