ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
