My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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