I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
