On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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