I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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